A look at what's right (and what's wrong) with today's screenplays

…The Departed! Everyone give a big round of applause to William Monahan and Martin Scorcese!

OK, OK, calm down. It may seem foolish (and probably hella-arrogant) to criticize a movie that won four Oscars, including Best Adapted Screenplay, not to mention one that made almost $300M at the worldwide box office and was 93% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, but just as most awful movies have some good qualities hiding somewhere, at least if you look hard enough, most great ones have something wrong with them that we can learn from. It’s difficult enough for a single person to create something that’s truly perfect (and when I say “difficult enough” I really mean “so close to totally impossible that mere mortals need not apply, and that means you… and to be fair, me too, and also pretty much everyone else in the known universe”) but when creating that something requires dozens or even hundreds of people to work together despite disagreements, miscommunications, clashes of ego, and sheer outbursts of wrongheadedness, and when you also factor in time and budgetary constraints, the sales and marketing people who have to sign off on every significant choice anyone makes, and everything else that can go wrong in the complex and insanely rushed bubble universe of a film production, perfection is even more impossible to attain. (Work with me here; just like there are bigger and smaller infinities†, there are more- and less-impossible impossibles.) So it’s no insult to say that The Departed left a little room for improvement. It’s a great movie and I was rooting for it on Oscar night, but something bothered me when I saw it on opening weekend, and it bothered me even more when I watched it again on DVD last night.

By now, some of you have surely figured out what I’m talking about. Yes, ladies and germs, children of all ages, Future Oscar-Winners Yourselves, I’m talking about the rat. Watching that stupid bleeping rat scurry along the railing in the final scene was like having Scorcese walk up to my seat and personally bludgeon me to death with a giant fifty-pound wheel of stinky cheese while screaming at the top of his lungs, “Did you get it? Did you get it? Come on, did you get it? Corruption is everywhere! Corruption is EVERYWHERE! GET IT!!?!??” Gee, like the message hadn’t come through already.

Don’t get me wrong; the rest of the movie was great. The dialogue was fantastic, the acting was mostly†† stupendous, scene after scene unspooled to electric effect, and Monahan took a very difficult-to-structure story and structured it magnificently. Besides, the rat wasn’t what I call a “central” flaw, which is to say an element which significant other parts of the story depend on and are therefore undermined by, so in the larger scheme of things, it wasn’t all that important. But symbols shouldn’t be jackhammers (getting hit by a jackhammer hurts) and I wish a misstep of this magnitude had come earlier in the film instead of right at the end.

(Well, actually, I wish there hadn’t been any missteps, of this magnitude or any other, but that kind of goes without staying.)

Anyway, some people I’ve talked to about this have insisted that I’m missing the point, that the rat was funny. Maybe it would have been funny in another movie, but The Departed isn’t a comedy. It wasn’t supposed to be funny — or at least not funny in that broad, almost slapsticky way. Everything else in the movie, including its comic moments, grew organically out of the fantastic characters William Monahan created (based in part on the work of Siu Fai Mak and Felix Chong on Infernal Affairs) but the rat was pure editorial commentary. It wasn’t just a jarring tonal shift, it was Scorcese interrupting the story with a Very Important Announcement™, and as such it sucked us out of our state of investment in the characters and story and therefore reduced our emotional involvement in the film.

Since emotional involvement is the single most important thing a film or screenplay can hope to offer, I’m going to make double-damn sure that I don’t ever make that mistake now that I’ve seen The Departed a couple times and had the rat shoved down my throat so memorably and unpleasantly, and I suggest you do the same.

And with that, I’m off. I promise I’ll talk about some more recent movies — brand spanking new theatrical releases, in fact — very soon.

†Seriously, I’m not making this up, and if you look into it, you’ll find out it actually makes perfect sense.

††I felt that Mark Wahlberg was a slightly weak link. It’s not that he was bad; in fact, he did very solid work, and in any other movie, he’d have shone. It’s just that he paled by comparison next to the likes of Leonardo di Caprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Martin Sheen, Ray Winstone, Vera Farmiga, and Alec Baldwin. The Departed had an extraordinary cast, maybe one of the deepest benches ever assembled for a movie like this.